Heart Without A Beat
by xalwayscaskettx
Summary: Watershed AU where Castle lets Beckett speak first. Beckett's come to a decision, and the impact it has on their relationship is something she never imagined.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- **So here is my first chapter. I don't know how this is going to go, but I hope you guys enjoy the , an important thing as well, just trust me.

**Disclaimer- **I unfortunately do not own the rights to Castle. Maybe some day.

* * *

Kate Beckett stepped out of her Charger and looked across the street. She saw him sitting on the swings, his back to her. Her hands were sweaty, and her body was shaking. Her heart was beating a mile a minute.

Could she really do this?

Before she could second guess herself, she looked both ways then crossed the street to have the toughest conversation in her life.

She walked up to the swing set and sat down opposite the way he was facing. He didn't acknowledge her presence; he didn't make any movement when she approached. He was so hurt; he couldn't even look at her.

Here we go, she thought.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept secrets," she finally spoke.

"It's who you are. You don't let people in. I've had to scratch and claw for every inch." He still wouldn't look at her. Why wouldn't he just look at her?

No. She didn't think she could finish if his deep, blue eyes held onto hers.

"You're right. I don't let people in. I bury everything inside of me, and it consumes me, just like my mother's case did." She was so close to breaking at every word that came out of her mouth. He heard it in her voice.

"Kate," he started. Still no eye contact.

"Let me finish," she pleaded. He closed his mouth. "I've been doing a lot of thinking. About my life, about you, about us, about what I want, and so much more." She paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and dove in. "I've decided to take the job."

She saw Castle suck in, saw a shift in his features. God, she can't do this.

She continued. "I love you. God, I love you so much, Castle. But this is my shot, and if I don't take it, I'm gonna regret it." By now, the tears were already sliding down her cheeks. "I want you to come with me though. I don't want you to leave me. I know it would be tough, but we can make it work. I know we can. And I know this will take time to get over, but-"

"No." One simple word slammed into her chest. He finally turned to face her. "Do you really think that would work? I have friends and family here, too. Yes, I'm a writer, and I can write from anywhere I want pretty much, but that's not the point here." His voice rose, and she could feel the anger start to pour out of him. "The point is, you chose a job over me. A job." He yelled. "I love you, Kate. I spent 4 years chasing after you, and now that I can finally call you mine, it's all going to be thrown away?" He got off the swing and towered over her now.

"We could make it work," she stammered. She expected to hurt, but not like this. She never imagined she would hurt like this again.

"Like hell we would, Kate! If I went with you, I would still never see you. The job would take over your life, and I'd just be sitting on the sidelines. You know there'd be so many secrets from the job that you would never be able to share with me." He knew he was being selfish. He knew she loved him, but he couldn't accept the secrets she'd have to keep. She'd already kept her feelings from him for who knows how long, and he thought all the secrets would finally be over. Guess not.

He waited for her to say something, but she was speechless. The look on her face broke his heart even more, but he couldn't get past the wall of hurt. "You know, I can't even _blame_ you for your decision because it's your dream. I could never keep you from your dreams, Kate." He shook his head. He can't look at her, couldn't be around her. If he stayed any longer, his hurt from seeing her like this would make him take it all back, but he couldn't do that. Not after this. With nothing else to say, he walked away from the love of his life.

* * *

She tried calling out his name, but it got lost in her throat. She buried her face in her hands and her body quivered from the intensity of her sobs. She looked up, praying that he didn't really leave, that he was still here and was waiting to take her in his arms.

But he's nowhere to be seen. "What have I done?" she whispered.

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**I know the chapter is not long, but I was kind of testing the waters. I hope you guys still enjoyed it. Feel free to leave a review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you guys so much for the reviews. Don't be afraid to be critical, I want this story to live up to your guys' expectations, and hopefully exceed them as well. Please, let me know what you would like to see in this story because I would love to work in everyone's ideas. Anyway, enough of my rambling, enjoy! :)

* * *

Castle sped back to the loft. Anger, hurt, confusion, and frustration took over his heart, mind, and body. He was lucky he made it back to his building without causing or getting into an accident.

When he arrived, he hastily shoved his key into the door and thrusted open the door. He took off his jacket and headed into his office. He slammed the door shut and threw his jacket against the bookshelf. Thank god no one was home; he couldn't deal with anyone questioning him right now. He just needed to get all of his emotions out, let the anger take its course...right?

Then, he noticed that the tiny little box fell out of his pocket when he threw the jacket on the floor. He picked it up then set it down on his desk. He stared at it. He couldn't bear to open it, couldn't look at the - mistake? - he was going to make. He was going to propose to her. No matter what decision she chose, him or the job, he was going to ask her to marry him.

But when those words left her mouth, he couldn't handle it. The hurt just consumed him, which in turn changed to anger. He thought he could accept her decision, but it hit him like a truck barreling down the street. The thing was, he still loved her. He was madly and desperately in love with her, and he always would be. Even now, he couldn't direct all of that anger towards her. He cared about her too much for that. He couldn't even imagine how distraught she was because he was already losing himself.

Once Castle's head started to clear, he started thinking about everything, over and over. He thought about the beginning when she did everything she could to push him away, yet he still chased after her. He thought about that night, that glorious night when she showed up at his apartment dripping water all over because of the storm. She finally confessed her feelings for him, and everything was going to be okay. They had a lot of things to talk about, but it was going to be okay. A small smile actually formed on his lips. It was a sad smile, but it was a smile nonetheless.

Then, he thought about his love for her. He gave her everything he had to give, and she rejected him for the longest time. Yes, she was going through stuff, a LOT of stuff, and he didn't want to hold it against her, but he couldn't help it. It seemed as if he was the one who was always screwing up, and he had to fix it.

He couldn't think straight. His head was spinning, and his body ached. Honestly, he missed her already.

One thing was clear to him though. This time, she was the one who needed to fix things. He didn't expect much from her, he just wanted to be loved in return. She had a lot of decisions to make, and he wasn't going to stand in the way of what she wants.

* * *

The days were a blur for Beckett. All of the pain she was going through dulled her senses. She didn't know much of what happened between the time she left the swing set to the time when she boarded her flight to D.C. The precinct had thrown her a going-away/congratulatory party. Everyone hugged her and gave her their best, but it didn't touch her heart like it should have. Lanie, Ryan, and Esposito knew something was off. Castle hadn't had any communication with anyone for days, and the sparkle in Beckett's eyes was gone. Her friends were hesitant to bring anything up; they were afraid she would lash out or break down. But Lanie, being her best friend, couldn't just sit there and watch the Kate Beckett she knew disappear.

"Hey, Kate, can I talk to you?" she approached Beckett at the party.

"Lanie, I know what you're trying to do. I appreciate it, honestly, but I can't. I - I can't do this right now."

The proximity of everyone at the party finally overwhelmed her, and she broke. She sprinted out of the precinct, tears streaming down her face, and ran away from her life in New York. Now, her focus was on D.C. She needed to get away from New York, from all of the reminders of him and of the love that she lost.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- **Thank you guys for being patient as you wait for the next chapter. I will try to update everyday if I can, but with school, work, volleyball, and other stuff it's a little challenging. On the weekend at least I'll be able to update, and winter break is less than 2 weeks away! By the way, I love all of your reviews and tips and such. I actually have a document on my computer with suggestions. :)

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Beckett knew it was wrong to run away from her problems, but that was who she was. She hid her love for Castle through pointless relationships; she hid from the emotions of her mother's murder by putting everything into being a cop. Her dad was completely right. The job was, could possibly still be, her dream, but part of the reason she took it was because she was scared of where her relationship with Castle was going to go. He had a reputation, and so did she. She couldn't help but have one foot out the door, just in case. But as scared as she was, she desired to see what their future would hold. Whenever she imagined her future, there was not a time where Castle was missing from it. Now, she felt the void in her life, and it numbed her senses. She so desperately wanted to run back to him, to try and fix the heartbreak, but she was too afraid. So Kate Beckett did what she does best; she hid in her job.

Agent Beckett has been with the FBI for a little over a month now, and she put everything she had into her job. For a little while, the pain was tolerable. It's not okay, but she could ignore it for the time being.

The worst was when she's home alone at her new apartment. The numbness dissipated, and the emotions rushed back to her. The pain ate away at her until soon she was just an empty shell of the extraordinary person she used to be. She left countless numbers of phone calls and text messages on Castle's phone, but slowly the calls and texts became less frequent. Beckett was losing hope, but not all of it. There was a sliver of it left in her heart where she will never stop loving Rick.

* * *

Beckett sat at the large table in the break room and stared blankly at her mug of coffee, the steam no longer rising from the liquid. It was one of those days where her mind and body just couldn't function properly.

Her new partner, Rachel McCord, took a seat next to her.

"Beckett, can I talk to you?"

Beckett looked up to acknowledge McCord, but her expression didn't waiver. She looked at McCord for a moment longer, and then tilted her head back down to stare at her coffee.

"I'm not really one for these types of conversations, but I just wanted to say that you've done a great job adapting here in the last 2 months. Your skills have improved greatly, and I have to say you're one of the best I've worked with." McCord paused to see if the compliment reached Beckett, but there wasn't a change in her expression. "Anyway, I've noticed lately that you've become very distant. Like now, I don't even know if you've heard a word I've said. I know I don't know you that well, but from what I've heard, you're a very passionate person in and out of work. I've seen the passion in the job, and occasionally outside of work, but now it's fading."

"It's a long story," Beckett mumbled.

"Do you..want to talk about it?" McCord asked awkwardly.

"Not really."

McCord sighed. "Alright, but if you're ever up for talking about it, I'm willing to listen." She stood up and waited a moment to see if Beckett had anything else to say, but when Beckett didn't move, she walked out the door.

* * *

Castle's phone buzzed non-stop for the first week with calls, voicemails and text messages. Most of them were from Beckett which he didn't give a second glance. There were quite a few from Lanie and the guys questioning where he'd been and what happened.

"Richard Castle, I don't know anything about what's going on, and I know you think I'm all on Beckett's side, but I'm your friend, too. If you want to talk, I'm just a phone call away," a text from Lanie read. It was the last one from Lanie he'd gotten. The ones before were typical of Lanie, demanding that he tell her what happened and that she was going to hunt him down if he'd done something to Beckett. The last one surprised him because he did think that Lanie was going to be fully on Beckett's side. He was touched, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk to her.

The texts and voicemails from Ryan and Esposito were basically the same thing. They both wanted to know what happened, and they both told him that they were his friends and cared about him.

2 months passed, and the constant notifications came to a stop. He occasionally got some from Beckett and his friends, even a few from Gina demanding to know why he hadn't submitted anymore Nikki Heat chapters. Other than that, his phone was mostly left untouched.

Alexis left for Costa Rica 3 weeks ago, and Martha hadn't been around the loft much, or he just hadn't noticed because he didn't pay attention to much anymore. Before Alexis left, he noticed the hushed tones between her and mother. They tried to approach him about the situation a few times, but he'd always responded with, "Some other time." He didn't want to talk about it with anyone because the moment the words came out, he knew he was going to lose it.

Alexis and Martha hated seeing Castle like that. Alexis started to feel some hatred towards Kate, but Martha just felt sad for the both of them. Alexis didn't want to leave for her trip with her dad like this, and Martha didn't want to abandon him at the loft, but they both knew he needed time to cope.

* * *

The days continued to go by slowly and painfully for Castle until one day he couldn't keep living with the pain anymore.

"It's time for me to move on with my life," he thought. Of course he'd never stop loving Kate, but he's lived without her before, maybe he could do it again. Maybe he can dull the constant ache for awhile.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to update! The last few weeks have been really hectic with the holidays and finals at school and just personal things and honestly, I haven't found inspiration to write this chapter for awhile. Thank you guys for being patient! Anyway, here's the next chapter :)**

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The weeks went by as Castle slowly started coming out of his dismal state. There was a constant ache in his heart, but he learned to ignore it, at least while he was out in public. There was no guaranteeing what happened when he was alone. Martha and Alexis did their best at keeping him occupied, but they had their own plans to attend to. Occasionally, he accepted the boys' Halo night offer or grabbed a cold one with them, but they knew it wasn't the same Castle they once knew. Everyone noticed. He lost the light in his eyes, the bounce in his step, and the quirky jabs he would constantly throw out. The childish and passionate writer with a loving heart disappeared, and in his place was a man hardened by heartbreak. Castle believed he was doing a passable job at hiding his emotions, but he couldn't completely hide it from the people he loves. Whenever someone tried to bring it up, he snapped back with an angry remark and quickly changed the subject. After awhile, nobody dared to bring up the topic to Castle.

It happened one evening while he was grabbing pizza for himself and for Martha.

"Rick? Rick Castle?" he heard someone call out. He turned around and saw a woman quickly walking towards him from down the street.

"Jessica Henderson?" he said when the woman got close enough to where he can make out her face.

"Oh my gosh, it is you!" she replied. She closed the distance between them and pulled him in for a warm embrace. For a moment, Castle stood there, too surprised to do anything, but he lightly returned the hug when he regained his train of thought.

"Wow, Jess, how long has it been since we've seen each other?"

"I think.. it was spring break our freshman year of college."

"I can't believe it's been that long. How've you been?"

"I've been great, really great. How are you?"

"I'm doing okay," he replied.

Jessica smiled at him and then glanced at her watch. "Crap! I'm gonna be late!" She ran her hands through her hair, something Beckett did when she was frustrated or exhausted. "I'm sorry to leave in such a hurry, but I have a work meeting to get to. Do you uh.. wanna grab a coffee sometime and ya know, catch up?"

Castle hesitated a moment then replied, "Actually, yeah, that'd be really great."

Jessica grabbed a slip of paper from her purse and a pen and quickly jotted down her number. "Here's my number, call me whenever you're free." She waved good-bye and set a brisk pace down the street.

It took a moment for Castle to recollect his thoughts. Jess was the last person he expected to see in New York. His high school friend had gone to college in Arizona, and they had lost touch soon after their freshman year in college ended.

Maybe this is exactly what I need, he thought. Maybe I just need a good friend to distract me, one who happens to have no ties with Beckett.

* * *

"Agent Beckett?"

"Beckett?"

"Kate?!"

Beckett snapped out of her trance with a start before she replied, "Sorry, what?"

"Are you alright?" Hendricks asked.

"I'm fine," she lied as she shook herself out of her daze. "Just a little sleep deprived."

"Beckett, can I talk to you for a moment?" Chief Villante asked.

Shit.

Beckett nodded and followed him into the meeting room.

Villante shut the door and gestured for Beckett to sit down.

"Look, Beckett, I know you had a lot of personal stuff go down before you took this job, and I don't want to bother you with the details because that's your business, but your emotions have been starting to affect your work ethic."

"Look, sir, I-" Beckett started but was silenced when Villante held his hand up.

"I don't want to hear any excuses. You started out here with a fiery passion that I don't usually see in a lot of agents, but that passion has deteriorated a lot recently. You need to be able to block out all of your other problems while you're working; it's part of the job."

Beckett let out a sigh and opened her mouth again to speak but was once again stopped by her chief. "I want you to take the rest of the weekend off and clear your head. I expect you to come back on Monday ready to tackle the job again. No objections."

Beckett replied with an unenthusiastic nod and a "Yes, sir." Villante nodded back and left the room. Once he was gone, Beckett leaned back in her chair and ran her hands down her face. She stayed there for awhile before she got up and headed to her apartment.

When she got to her apartment, she slowly made her way to the bathroom to take a nice, hot shower. She stayed in the shower for over twenty minutes, letting the hot water and steam relieve a little bit of stress from the day. After getting settled in her pajamas, she decided on trying to make herself an actual dinner instead of ordering take out. She prepared herself a little bit of chicken noodle soup and some warm bread. When she was about done with her bowl of soup, her phone started ringing. She quickly grabbed it, praying that a certain someone's face would pop up on the screen, but when her dad's face appeared, she allowed herself a moment of disappointment before answering the phone.

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, Katie, how are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm alright," she lied, but there was no way of getting a lie past her father.

"You don't need to lie to me, sweetheart. How are you _really _doing?" Jim pressed.

"Still hurting inside. I miss him so much, dad," she finally confessed.

"I know you do, sweetie, and I'm sorry. It'll get better eventually, I promise."

"Will it? It's been months, and I don't feel any lighter. I feel like I'm getting worse." Tears started to form in her eyes.

Jim paused for a moment before answering his daughter. "You should go see him."

"W-what? No! He won't answer my calls or texts, why would he want to see me in person?" Beckett blubbered.

"Well, if you see him in person, he'll have a harder time avoiding you."

"I can't do that, dad. What if he's with someone else already? What if when I try to apologize to him, he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore, and he's moved on?" she sobbed, the tears coming in a steady stream now.

"Yes, it's possible that could happen, but wouldn't you feel better giving a real shot at getting him back? It might hurt more, but you at least gave it a real try."

"I don't know, dad, I don't think I'm ready to face him."

"Will you at least think about it?"

"Yeah, I'll think about it."

"That's my girl. Why don't you try and get some rest now? You've gotta be exhausted from work."

"Okay. Thanks for calling, I really missed hearing your voice."

"Anytime, Katie. Good night, I love you."

"Love you too, dad. Night." She hung up the phone and made her way into her bedroom for an inevitable sleepless night.

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**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I apologize that my chapters are pretty short, I'm really trying to make them longer. Reviews would be lovely to wake up to! ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Haha just so you know, my name is Jessica, so I'm imagining myself as Castle's high school friend, and no one can stop me. :) Also, it's getting harder and harder to write in present tense, so I went back and changed all of the chapters so they're in past tense. Hopefully it's a little less confusing, and it makes it easier for me to write. Enjoy!**

* * *

Beckett spent the night tossing and turning in bed. All that was going through her head was whether or not she should return to New York and try and win back Castle. There were a countless number of "what if's" floating around in her mind.

What if he's already moved on?

What if he doesn't love me anymore?

What if he doesn't even give me a chance and shuts me out?

All of these depressing questions just kept replaying until one finally struck her.

What if I don't even try? Then what happens to us?

"I can't let the magic disappear," she thought. "I'll do whatever it takes to get him back."

Early the next morning, she booked a flight to New York. The flight left at noon, so she would arrive at around 5pm the same day.

"Okay, this will work," she told herself. "I don't have to be back at work until Monday morning, so I can talk to Castle on Sunday and figure things out from there."

There was a tiny little ball of hope in her heart telling her that things were going to be okay.

* * *

Castle also had a restless mind that night. He couldn't decide if he should call Jess or not. He didn't think anything or anyone would help him.

"Damn it, Rick," he scolded himself. "You told yourself that you were going to try to move on with your life. You don't have to make any commitments; it's just coffee. What'll it hurt to talk to your old friend again."

Eventually, he convinced himself to give Jess a call in the morning.

Morning came all too soon, and Castle almost chickened out of calling Jess. He typed her number into his phone but couldn't find the power to push the "Call" button.

He let out a breath. "1..2..3," he counted. After 3, he pressed call.

The phone rang 3 times before Jess answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jess, it's Rick," Castle replied.

"Ricky, hey! What's up?" Jess responded. Castle was taken aback by being called "Ricky". All of high school friends called him that back in the day, and he hadn't heard it in a very long time.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go get some coffee later today?"

"Oh, damn it. I'm sorry, Ricky, but I'm busy all day today."

Castle's face fell. "Oh, that's alright."

"But I'm free tomorrow!" Jess quickly added.

"Okay, how 'bout we grab breakfast and coffee then? We can meet at Norma's around 9?"

"Sounds good!"

"Great, I'll see ya then, Jess."

"See ya, Ricky," she said then hung up. Castle felt some weight lift off of his chest; he actually looked forward to hanging out with Jess again. This was the first step to him getting his life back together.

* * *

**Okay, this was just a filler chapter. I also had a little bit of writer's block for what to put in this chapter. Don't worry, I have a big idea for the next chapter. I hope you all have a Happy New Year!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Guys I am ****_SO_**** sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been focusing on a lot of other stuff lately, and I haven't felt like writing. This chapter was particularly hard because I feel like it's a big moment, and I don't wanna screw it up. Anyway, I will really try and update more often!**

* * *

The flight to Manhattan was anything but peaceful or relaxing; not that Beckett thought it would be. The whole time, she was contemplating what to say to Castle when the time came. Even though she wasn't planning on going to see him until the day after she arrived, she considered going to the see him as soon as she set foot in the city because she didn't think she could stand another minute of not seeing him. Eventually, she decided to stick with her original plan and sleep on her thoughts.

After spending half the night tossing and turning in her bed, she got up at 8 o'clock to face the day.

"Okay, you can do this," she thought. "Once you get your feelings out on the table, things will get better. He'll have to understand."

With that little dose of motivation, she hopped out of bed to get dressed. After spending a few minutes looking through her suitcase, she decided on wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans, a plain white v-neck shirt, and pair of black heels. She applied a little bit of makeup and let her hair fall in loose curls, framing her face. With one last glance in the mirror, she grabbed her purse and set out for Castle's loft.

While she was walking down the streets, she broke through her thoughts and realized that she skipped her morning cup of coffee along with breakfast. She settled on stopping at a Starbucks that was on the way to his loft. As she waited at the crosswalk for the light to signal that the pedestrians could cross, she glanced around and noticed a familiar form leaving a café across the street. It was him. Her heart was pounding inside of her chest, and she was about to yell out his name when her breath caught in her throat. She failed to notice the woman that he was holding the door for. At first she thought he was just doing it to be polite, but they stopped outside the café and started chattering away. She gave herself a moment to watch as the pair strolled down the street before she spun around and stumbled in the opposite direction.

* * *

Castle arrived at Norma's Cafe a few minutes earlier so he could choose a good spot for him and Jess to sit at. He wandered over to a table near the windows facing the street. He only waited a few minutes before Jess walked through the door. She gazed around until she spotted him at the table, waving to get her attention.

"Hey," she greeted happily as she plopped into the seat across from him.

"Hey yourself," he responded.

"Did you order anything yet?" she asked.

He shook his head. He waved a waitress over so she could take their order. "Ladies, first," he said politely.

"I'll have a medium French vanilla cappuccino with whipped cream, please. Oh, and a blueberry muffin."

The waitress finished writing down the order before she looked at Castle. "I'll just take a large, black coffee and a chocolate chip scone, please."

The waitress informed them that their order would be out shortly, and she moved on to the next table waiting to order.

"So, Ricky," Jess started once the waitress left the table. "Tell me, how's the life of a best-selling mystery novelist?"

Castle chuckled. "Not as glamorous as you'd think." He didn't feel like mentioning he hadn't wrote anything for quite some time now. "How about you? What are you doing these days?"

"Well, I'm a business analyst at ALM Media Properties here in New York."

"Wow, that's really great," Castle responded semi-enthusiastically. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, I really love it," Jess answered modestly. "Oh! I saw some pictures of you and your daughter on Facebook, not trying to sound creepy or anything. How old is she?"

He laughed again. "Alexis is 19. She's actually in Costa Rica right now on a trip for school."

"That sounds fun," Jess stated. Before she could get out another word, their food arrived.

Castle and Jess munched on their breakfast in a comfortable silence. After a few minutes, Jess noticed that Castle had spaced off and was staring out the window. He had a distracted look on his face.

"Ricky?" Jess called. His gaze continued out the window. "Rick?" she said a little more forcefully.

He shook his head and snapped out of his daze. "Huh? Sorry, what did you say?" he asked.

"Are you alright? You seem a little distracted," Jess asked with a concerned look on her face.

"It's nothing, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired," he lied.

"C'mon, Rick, I told you before I know when you're lying. What's really wrong?" she pressed.

Castle hesitated. "I've just had a lot on my mind lately." Jess reached out to touch his hand, but he quickly pulled away. Jess had a confused and hurt look on her face, and Castle rushed to apologize. "I'm sorry, it's just..."

"Is it a girl?" she finished for him.

"Wha, what? How'd you know?" he questioned.

"Even though we haven't talked in however many years, I still know you. There's something different in your eyes."

Castle looked down and mindlessly stirred his coffee. "So, what's her name?" Jess continued.

He took a deep breath before answering. "Kate," he breathed. "Kate Beckett."

Realization struck Jess's face. "Wait, Kate Beckett as in the inspiration for Nikki Heat?"

"That's the one," Castle replied.

"What happened between you two?" Jess asked cautiously.

Castle prepared himself before he dove into the story. He told her everything, the job offer, where their relationship was headed, to the choice she'd made. And when he finished telling her the details, he felt some weight lift off of his chest.

Jess took a few moments to collect her thoughts before responding. "Look, Ricky. To me it sounds like you guys really had something extraordinary going on. And from the look on your face, you really loved her. You still do." Castle was about to say something when Jess held up her hand. "Let me finish." Castle closed his mouth and let her speak. "From everything you've told me, I think that she really loves you, too, even after the choice she made. I know you're still mad about it, and you're justified to that, but you can't just leave things the way they ended. It seems like communication was somewhat of an issue between you guys when the relationship started, so maybe you just need to sit down and talk. Tell her how you really feel, and just throw everything out on the table."

"I don't know, Jess," Castle muttered. "It might be too late for that."

"It might be, it might not be, but you'll never know unless you talk to her." She paused to take in his expression.

"I'll think about it," he finally responded.

Jess nodded and glanced at her watch. "Crap, I'm gonna be late for work if I don't hurry."

"Can I walk with you? I need a little more fresh air," Castle asked.

"Fine with me." Castle left a $20 on the table and walked with Jess to the door. He held it open, and they started walking down the busy street. He glanced around outside, and he could've sworn he saw a head of brown curls walking quickly in the other direction across the street.

* * *

When Beckett got back to her hotel room, the thoughts took over her mind.

"Who was that woman?" she thought. "What was he doing with her? Did he..did he really move on already?" An endless stream of thoughts overwhelmed her to the point where her whole body ached. Eventually, a tear slipped from her eye and ran down her cheek.

"What am I supposed to do now?" she whimpered. She laid on her bed for awhile, trying to calm her emotions. When she could think clearly, she dried her eyes and sat up. "Stop jumping to conclusions," she scolded herself. "You don't know the whole story."

A battle raged on inside her head the rest of the afternoon. One side was fighting for her to stay and fight for her love, the other was telling her to run and hide like she'd done in the past. After what seemed like an eternity, she made her decision.

"It's time to stop being afraid," she told herself. She grabbed her things and headed out the door.

Taking her time walking to the loft, she finally arrived outside his door. Before she could talk herself out of leaving, she knocked on the door. She could hear footsteps approaching the door and prepared herself for what was about to come.

The door swung open, and there he was. She gulped, taking him in for the first time in months. Everything about him was the same except he might've shed a few pounds. Then, she looked into his eyes. The eyes that were once filled with immeasurable amounts of love and adoration were now hard as stone. He had built a wall, just like she did when her mother died.

He finally opened his mouth to speak. "Kate, what are you doing here?" he demanded.

She searched for her words. "I—I wanted to, _needed _to talk to you," she stuttered. "Can I come in?"

He stood there for a moment before opening up the door all the way and stepping to the side. She slowly walked inside, and he shut the door with a little more force than necessary. She turned around to face him, and he was staring at her, waiting for her to make the first move.

"I'm sorry," she blurted. "Rick, I'm so sorry. I made a mistake choosing the job over you. It was the biggest mistake of my life." The words started coming out faster. "I was running away from our relationship. I was afraid of where we were going because I've never been in such a serious relationship. I know that's not much of excuse, I should've just talked to you about it. God, I'm so sorry." Tears started falling from her eyes. "I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. Your love is the only thing that saved me from my mother's murder. Your love tore down the wall that I had built inside, and I'm sorry I couldn't return that much love to you." She took a deep breath. His features had hardened, and he hadn't said a word. "I know I'm talking in circles, but I just want you to know how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything that happened."

He didn't respond for awhile. He just stood there, watching her. She searched his eyes, trying to find a reaction, trying to find _anything._ But she couldn't break through.

Finally, his lips parted, "I don't even know where to start, Kate. What you did destroyed me. I don't blame you for wanting to go after your dreams, but you didn't even feel the need to talk to me about it. You _lied _about it." His voice rose, and he stepped closer to her. "If you would've just talked to me about it, I would've understood your choice. But you had to hide things. How could you even do that?" He didn't wait for an answer. "We were partners. We were supposed to be in this together." He looked away from her eyes. "And after all of this, I still can't seem to let you go. I've tried to move past this, but I can't. I still love you, Kate."

Beckett's eyes widened. "You do?"

"Yes."

"Oh god, Castle. You have no idea how relieved that makes me to hear you say-"

"But I still need some time," he interrupted. "I appreciate you being able to come and talk to me, I do, but I still have a lot to think about." Beckett tried to find something to say, but she was speechless. "For now, I think you need to go."

She stood there for a moment before walking to the door. He opened it up, and she stepped into the hallway. Before he could close the door, she blurted out, "I'm really sorry, Rick."

"I know. Good night, Kate."

With that, he shut the door, and Beckett let her emotions take over.

* * *

**I'm still not completely sure if I'm satisfied with the talk at the end. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for being awesome :)**


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